


weightless

by darkkidplaidopera



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Anger Outburst, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Arguing, Body Image, Bulimia, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Hatred, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Swearing, Viktor calls Yuuri little piggy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:40:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28823874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkkidplaidopera/pseuds/darkkidplaidopera
Summary: "It was just a way to reduce stress. It made Yuuri forget about every unpleasant feeling, clearing his mind enough to plan when to purge so his fiancé wouldn’t notice. Viktor was overworking himself anyway, and Yuuri didn’t want to burden him with his little... Habit? He couldn’t possibly call it a problem, because it wasn’t one.Eating was the problem.Yuuri has only found a solution. "When cute pet names stop being cute, and Yuuri finds himself drifting further away from the unachievable beauty standards of the world of perfect faces, he has to find a way to change.Yuuri doesn't know when it all went wrong.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 4
Kudos: 130





	weightless

**Author's Note:**

> **Please make sure to read the tags!**  
>  I don't want to unintentionally trigger anyone, especially considering how sensitive of a topic are eating disorders. They shouldn't be taken lightly under no circumstances and this work isn't meant to promote/romanticize them. If you find yourself struggling with similar issues as described, seek professional help, because there always is a reason to keep fighting for yourself, your health and better tomorrow!

The night was only half-quiet. 

Perhaps it didn’t differ much from any other, because if Yuuri had to be honest, he stopped paying attention to passing days a long time ago. He couldn’t tell exactly when it all started. Maybe it was more of a process than something he would be able to put in his calendar with a clear date attached to it, and maybe he didn’t even like the thought of having to express his condition with anything but plain labels. If there was no label he found suitable, then there was no problem. 

The apartment was only half-empty. 

Yuuri hugged his knees tightly to his chest, letting tears fall as if nothing else mattered. Bathroom tiles felt cold under his bare feet, leaving an unpleasant sensation upon invading the natural warmth of his trembling body. He was a mess. Even though Viktor made sure to remind Yuuri of how beautiful he was every day, he doubted the honesty of his words. It didn’t make any sense. He and Viktor had nothing in common in terms of beauty, because Viktor was a living legend with a body resembling a carefully sculptured statue, and a pearly white smile that could melt the ice beneath his skates and the heart of every single person happening to pass by. But Yuuri? Yuuri was just too Yuuri to find even an inch of charm within himself. When he looked in the mirror, he saw nothing but fat, stretch marks, and the very effect of every calory he couldn’t stop himself from consuming. He saw a disgusting creature that shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe the same air with someone as gorgeous as Viktor. Maybe that’s why every ‘little piggy’ hurt like a blade cutting right through his skin, and maybe that’s why Yuuri cried every time he didn’t physically manage to force himself into throwing up more than once. 

Yuuri shivered at the memory of Viktor shutting the door as he left their shared apartment. They had a nasty argument just a few hours ago, meaningless words still taunting Yuuri’s whole existence. Each loud sob coming from him was like a prayer to see Viktor again, apologize for everything and promise to stop being such a nuisance. But Viktor wasn’t there, and a terrifying voice inside Yuuri’s head was getting louder with each “He won’t come back, you pig” coming from it. Maybe Viktor was never meant to be his. 

The wine was only half-drunk. 

There were quite a few happenings that had occurred before their argument. Yuuri could barely stand straight when Viktor came back from the rink. Judging by the look on his face, Nikiforov was extremely tired. Yuuri went out with Phichit earlier to chit-chat, grab a meal and finally make up for the lost time. He spent the whole day with his former roommate, so he couldn’t possibly excuse himself from the eating part. So, he put on a fake smile when the food was served and ate. He ate a lot more than he planned, crispy fried chicken and French fries leaving him with an unbearable guilt and self-hatred. As soon as Yuuri was home again, he took a bottle of wine from the kitchen counter and opened it, not minding that it was barely 7 PM and he had to practice the following day. It was just a way to reduce stress. It made Yuuri forget about every unpleasant feeling, clearing his mind enough to plan when to purge so his fiancé wouldn’t notice. Viktor was overworking himself anyway, and Yuuri didn’t want to burden him with his little... Habit? He couldn’t possibly call it a problem, because it wasn’t one. 

Eating was the problem. 

Yuuri has only found a solution. 

The more he drank, the lighter the bottle seemed in his hand. Yuuri wished that losing weight was as easy as drinking, but no hope could possibly change the gross reality. Suddenly, he heard the door click. Viktor was home. He stood up from the couch he was previously sitting on to greet his dear fiancé, only to receive a look of concern in return when he almost tripped on his own feet. 

“Are you okay?” Viktor immediately put his arm around Yuuri’s waist to make sure he won’t accidently harm himself, and helped him sit back again on the couch. 

_Do I look okay?_

"I’m perfectly fine, Vitya,” he answered quickly, pulling on Viktor’s hand so he would sit next to him. He obliged, and Yuuri hid his face in the crook of his neck, seeking comfort that wasn’t quick to come. 

Viktor stayed silent for a while, letting his muscles relax and breathing in Yuuri’s scent. His tiredness made him ignore that Yuuri drank alone, which never happened, so Viktor focused on how soft his fiancé felt in his arms. 

Suddenly, Yuuri let out a loud yelp when Viktor pinched his sides with a wide grin on his face. 

“You’re getting so chubby, little piggy!” Viktor nuzzled up against Yuuri’s stomach, chuckling as Yuuri’s face turned bright red. He froze in place. “Time to cut on those pork cutlet bowls, huh?” 

Maybe Yuuri knew that Viktor was joking, but it didn’t make him feel any better. His fiancé thought he was fat. It must have been a suggestion that he finds Yuuri repulsive, he just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He almost found it funny how a single sentence from Viktor made him sober up. 

He needed to be alone. 

_Little piggy._

That’s all he was to Viktor. 

Little piggy 

Littlepiggylittlepiggylittlepiggylittlepiggyli- 

“Yuuri?” 

“Don’t touch me!” 

Yuuri got himself out of Viktor’s arms, immediately aiming to go to the bathroom and throw up as long as it was necessary to never look like a pig in anyone’s eyes again. But Viktor couldn’t let him go that easily. He wanted to confront him and calmly ask what’s wrong, comfort his dear lover if needed, but, damn, Viktor was too exhausted after the whole day of skating. He swears that he didn’t mean to get angry. 

“Can you stop running away and tell me what the fuck is wrong?” he snapped. 

_He didn’t mean to raise his voice! It just happened!_

Yuuri trembled in fear when he heard just how angry Viktor was with him. Rightfully angry, as Yuuri tried to convince himself. He was nothing but a coward, too afraid to talk to his own fiancé, choosing to lock himself in the bathroom instead. Yuuri couldn’t help it. There was that voice in his head again, blaming him for everything, because Viktor surely wouldn’t have gotten angry if Yuuri controlled his eating habits better. Yes, they were habits! Not problems! 

If only Yuuri ate less, Viktor would have never called him a piggy. 

Yuuri wouldn’t have to run away. 

Viktor wouldn’t shut the door so loudly while leaving the apartment when his fiancé fell on his knees, too overwhelmed with what had just happened. 

It would have all been better if Yuuri wasn’t just so Yuuri. 

Viktor was only half-perfect. 

He realized it the very moment he stepped out of their home. Still blinded with his own emotions, Viktor continued walking with no particular destination. He didn’t understand why Yuuri reacted the way he did. All he wanted was a peaceful evening with his fiancé, but instead he was stuck with the freezing air of Saint Petersburg in the middle of winter. 

“Great,” he huffed. 

His pointless stroll started weighting heavily on his legs after barely an hour or so. Viktor took out his phone to check the hour. 8:47 PM. No messages from Yuuri. A sense of dread hit Viktor when he recalled the state he left his Yuuri in. He was trembling. 

All he wanted was to stop the time and make every moment of that night unhappen. Maybe if he didn’t snap, Yuuri would speak up about what has triggered him so badly, maybe Viktor would be able to help. 

At that very moment Viktor Nikiforov, the living legend who won five consecutive World Championships, five straight Grand Prix Finals, and numerous European championships, felt like a failure. A failure and a terrible lover to say the least. 

Yuuri was only half-conscious. 

He didn’t move an inch from the spot on the bathroom floor, the content of his stomach long gone in the toilet. He threw up twice that time. The first one was because of all the built-up anxiety and overeating. It made him feel much better, but it still wasn’t enough. The second time was in the name of beauty. The dreadful beauty that made him feel so ugly on daily basics yet pleasantly weightless with each step that made him closer to it. 

Yuuri tried taking deeper breaths to calm down, but it wasn’t helping. His heart was beating so fast, his palms were sweaty, and the choking feeling of all the oxygen around him suddenly vanishing didn’t want to go away. 

He needed Viktor, but he didn’t want to see him at the same time. 

What would he think of him if he saw how pathetically weak he was? 

Yuuri let out a bitter laugh. He was such a failure that he couldn’t even starve himself properly – all he did was eat like a pig, and then purge to feel better! 

Starve. 

The word ringed in Yuuri’s head, somehow making him more comfortable with his condition. All he needed was a label. 

The bathroom door opened swiftly. Yuuri’s eyes widened in shock. He didn’t hear anyone entering the apartment earlier. 

“V-Viktor...” he stuttered. It felt wrong felling from his lips, especially after he ran away from him. 

He didn’t deserve Viktor’s kindness. He didn’t deserve to have his tears wiped by him, to feel his loving embrace and hear thousands of apologies, all sincere. 

“Please, Yuuri,” he whispered, his left hand caressing Yuuri’s wet cheek. “I want to help. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I lost you.” 

And Yuuri let him. At first, words didn’t want to leave his mouth. They were too heavy, holding nothing but pain within themselves. But Yuuri knew that was the right thing to do. If he wanted to feel truly weightless, he needed to let go of all the burden holding him down. 

Viktor listened to every word he said, his grip on Yuuri getting tighter whenever he spoke badly about himself. His Yuuri was in so much pain for this whole time, and he didn’t even realize. 

“I’m so sorry, Yuuri. I didn’t know.” 

“I should have told you.” 

Silence. Viktor wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t even sure whether he was supposed to say anything. 

“I love you, Yuuri,” he said. “And you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” 

Yuuri smiled. This time he believed in Viktor’s words. 

“I love you, too.” 

Yuuri wasn’t only half-happy anymore. 

When he heard Viktor’s soothing whispers in his ear, his strong arms holding Yuuri’s body, he considered himself the luckiest man alive. He knew that there was a long road ahead of them, and not an easy one to say the least. He also knew that Viktor was beside him no matter what, no matter how much his anxiety wanted to convince him otherwise. 

Even though Yuuri didn’t know when it all went wrong, he was sure of one thing – it will all get better.

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, I honestly wrote this to vent a little? Comments are really appreciated, I hope I didn't make too many grammatical or spelling mistakes since English isn't my first language. Hope you enjoyed!


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